I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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