you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
