You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
