Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
