I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Girls should come with a carfax report
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
