I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
