I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
