so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
