i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
