The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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