She went from zero to smokin in five shots
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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