i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
