Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
