K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
there was a trapeze. enough said
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
