i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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