It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
