dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
