Too much gin, very little bucket
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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