I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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