woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
