I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
