I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
