im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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