i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just sent this text using only my big toe
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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