I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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