Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No subtext here. People are naked.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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