is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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