I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
