I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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