please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
