i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
