so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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