That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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