wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
