He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
