I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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