i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
