Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
