remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize