im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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