I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
