So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You've changed since you got that strap on
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