turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
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