Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
