Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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