I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
