Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
