I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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