I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize