i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
