If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
