She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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