I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
