the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
