Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
